Dear Huma: how do you set boundaries?

Dear Huma,

I work in corporate finance by day, but my dream has always been to write. The problem is, I work very long hours and have very little time. But I have used this as an excuse for too long so, after years of dreaming about writing but not actually doing anything about it, I decided to make 2023 the year I do make it happen. I’ve booked a week off work, in order to start writing. I like the thought of writing in cafés, maybe writing in the British Library, setting myself little goals. I don’t really know what I’m going to write yet but I’m excited at the thought of this mini writing retreat with myself.

Somehow, I’m not entirely sure how, while in conversation with my younger sister, I blurted all of this out. She lives in a different city and we don’t often get to see each other, but now that she knows I won’t be at work for a week, she seems to think it means she can come and stay with me. I’ve tried to explain that my week off isn’t like that, it’s something for myself, but she’s an extrovert, not the kind of person who likes to be by herself, and so she just doesn’t get it at all. Now she’s told our parents too and they think I’m being unfair. Naturally there’s been lots of family jokes at my expense, along the lines of, ‘Since when have you been a writer…’ etc, etc.

I know it’s childish to get upset about this. I don’t know why I revert to being a teenager in arguments with my sister. In How We Met, you wrote about there never being enough time to write around your family, and even though I don’t have children that part really spoke to me. I imagine it’s not the same anymore, now that you’re an author, but how did you establish boundaries to protect your writing time? I’d like to make it clear to my family that writing really matters to me. It’s something I really care about. But I worry the more I insist, the more it will be turned into an even bigger laughing matter. What would you do?

Thank you,

LR

Dear LR,

First of all, it’s absolutely not at all childish to be upset! What you say, about ‘reverting to being a teenager’ with your family reminds me of this Jenny Zhang short story where she writes:

‘I am home this week, visiting my family before I go back to my life in California. As soon as I enter the front door, I remember my old self–restless, moody, lonely, rageful.’

It also reminds me a little of myself. I mean, surely we all act like this around some family members to a certain extent?

Someone else might wonder what the big deal here is. They might say, ‘It’s your annual leave, do with it what you like. Just tell your sister no.’ But I understand it’s not always that simple, especially with family. Besides, the way I understand it, you’ve also already tried to say no, so…

For what it’s worth, I think it’s great you’re making your writing a priority. All too often we don’t do anything about the things we really want for ourselves. And yet, you are.

So, you ask about boundaries. In my last Dear Huma, I mentioned I was enjoying listening to the podcast Best Friend Therapy. The very first ever episode is all about boundaries - it’s super interesting and could be helpful and reassuring for you too.

You also ask how I protect my writing time. Well, things are different now, because writing books is what I do for a living, and I write while my children are at school (I have a certain amount of time, is what I mean).

But when my children were especially small my writing was always on snatched time, as you identify from How We Met. I’m not sure I did protect my time very well then, because I basically still tried to do everything for everyone. I have learnt from that since. I’ve learnt to set boundaries because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t ever be able to do what needs to be done.

For instance, if I’m in an intense drafting, editing or deadline stage, I’ll often have to work late, on weekends and holidays. That can be hard for everyone, including me. And so I need boundaries to say: ‘No, I can’t, I’m writing.’ I also need boundaries in the other direction too, to say no to the writing, to give myself time to breathe.

Personally, I find the act of writing itself really helpful for setting boundaries. It’s so much easier for me to say what I want/ need in writing (in a text or an email) instead of in person or over the phone. For one, writing comes more naturally. For another, it avoids me accidentally hearing myself commit to things I neither want nor have time to do. But in writing, there’s extra clarity. Plus you’re in control of what you say (you’ll feel distinctly less teenage). So think about how you might put down what you want in a text. How would you say ‘no’ to your sister in a way that doesn’t feel stressful? What would you say to your parents? How would you explain, in writing, why this week matters to you?

There’s something else I wanted to say, about the writing week you have planned. As far as I can tell, you are in this lovely stage of writing where you are excited and curious about writing. Don’t let that be crushed by the reality of trying to find a desk in the British Library because it’s somehow a thing you might have heard that writers do. You say you don’t yet know what you’re going to write. It doesn’t sound like you have a particular piece of writing you have to finish by a certain time. So all I’m saying is, please just enjoy it.

Because a lot of writing happens away from the page. Dare I say it, but it might be that having your extrovert sister around even just for one or two of those days in the week might take you out of your comfort zone and lead to some kind of unexpected fun. And that fun? Might lead to a story to write about.

Finally, if your dream of writing has been something you’ve kept to yourself, then there’ll be no way for your family to know how much it means to you. I’d like to think your family will want you to have the time and space to do what’s important to you, once they realise just how much it matters to you.

Sometimes we imagine the worst from the people closest to us, but it’s funny how at other times those same people show up for us in ways we never thought they would. I hope that happens for you.